


Girl Crush

by TheFireInHerEyes



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bucky Barnes Feels, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Gen, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hurt/Comfort, Natasha Romanov Feels, Protective Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers Feels, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:42:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26098825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheFireInHerEyes/pseuds/TheFireInHerEyes
Summary: You were in love with Bucky, hopelessly and helplessly. Bucky was in love with Natasha and had grand plans for the two of them.Every moment they spent together had only broken your heart more, until it became too much and you had to leave.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Natasha Romanov, James "Bucky" Barnes/Original Female Character(s), James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers/Reader, Steve Rogers/Reader
Comments: 18
Kudos: 133





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> a mini-series that might be around 10 parts or less

_I got a girl crush_

_Hate to admit it but_

_I got a heart rush_

_Ain't slowing down_

Her laugh was melodic and light, airy and just as perfect as the woman it had come from. The laugh matched the mood, matched the air around the woman who had her head tilted back in amusement as she shared and revelled in one of the tales surrounding the two of them.

She was on his lap, her hands wrapped around his neck while her bare legs were crossed as she stretched them across him like a show of ownership. She was showing off her man, her relationship with him.

And you, sitting on one of the series of couches across from them with a glass of rosé in your hand, couldn't look away. You couldn't peel your eyes off of the couple as they flaunt and enjoyed each other's company.

_I got it real bad_

_Want everything she has_

_That smile and that midnight laugh_

_She's giving you now_

You lift your glass of rosé to your lips, sipped on the wine inside the glass that warmed your chest and cheeks. You let the wine rest in your mouth for a moment as you stared at the beautiful woman stretched across the man you loved.

You let the wine sit in your mouth, coat your tongue before you finally swallowed. Your eyes had finally moved from Natasha Romanoff and Bucky Barnes to the glasses sitting on the glass table in front of them.

The shot glasses were filled with vodka, but not the American shit that Bucky hated. No, this vodka was directly from Russia.

And it was a favourite that they both shared.

Not you. Them.

_I want to taste her lips_

_Yeah, 'cause they taste like you_

_I want to drown myself_

_In a bottle of her perfume_

_I want her long blonde hair_

_I want her magic touch_

"Another round?" Natasha shift her hips, kissed Bucky sensually, the kind of kiss that had him leaning in for more.

It was like she was taunting you. It was as if she was purposefully putting on a show for you, to twist the knife in your heart deeper. As if having a knife in your heart to the hilt wasn't enough to kill you.

But you knew that Natasha wasn't doing it on purpose. It wasn't as if she knew that you were in love with Bucky. It wasn't as if she knew that you spent countless nights awake in your bed wondering if Bucky was spending as much time thinking about you, as you were him.

Clearly he wasn't.

_Yeah, 'cause maybe then_

_You'd want me just as much_

_I got a girl crush_

_I got a girl crush_

"Thanks, milaya." Bucky grabbed her wrist, stopped her from walking away from him just so he could whisper the affection spoken in Russian.

He stopped her from walking away just so he could get another look at her.

You wanted to be her. You wanted to be everything she was, just so you could've had a chance. You wanted to be as sensual and seductive as Natalia Romanova, which came so naturally to her.

"Are you okay?" Bucky had spoken to you, called to you from the couch across from yours. "You've been spaced out all night. Haven't even finished your _wine_."

He was teasing you because you couldn't shoot hard liquor. Not like Natasha. Not like his darling milaya.

_I don't get no sleep_

_I don't get no peace_

_Thinking about her_

_Under your bed sheets_

They had all invited you out to celebrate the latest successful mission. And the rumour that Bucky was thinking about proposing to Natasha.

He had brought up the subject of proposing after having a late night conversation with Steve. It was the same night that you had weathered away your own nerves until you were a bumbling mess into the phone to Wanda.

You had tried calling Bucky to confess your feelings, only he was in bed with Natasha.

Steve hadn't told you as much when he took Bucky's cellphone for a few hours, but you knew. You knew that Bucky was screwing Natasha, you knew that they were in the heat of passion.

It was too late for you. The time had come and gone.

"I'm fine, Buck." You lied through your teeth and down the glass of wine in one fell swoop.

"No you're not." He spoke with gentleness, crossing the space to sit beside you.

_The way that she's whispering_

_The way that she's pulling you in_

_Lord knows I've tried,_

_I can't get her off my mind_

He placed his hand on your leg, his thumb brushing your knee cap in smooth strokes. You turned your attention to him, your eyes locked.

You could see the deep and unapologetic love swirling in his icy blue eyes that bore into yours. You could see the passion and the devotion, the loyalty and faith.

For Natasha. It was all for Natasha.

"I want to propose." Bucky started speaking about himself because you wouldn't speak about yourself. "I even brought the ring tonight."

Your heart stopped, your mouth went dry and became sour.

Steve had said that Bucky was talking about proposing. He had never mentioned that Bucky bought a ring, planned a night when all her friends would be together. He never mentioned that Bucky would actually ask.

But why wouldn't he? Natasha was perfect.

_I want to taste her lips_

_Yeah, 'cause they taste like you_

_I want to drown myself_

_In a bottle of her perfume_

_I want her long blonde hair_

_I want her magic touch_

"I'm happy for you." You placed your hand on his, only to push it off your leg. "I'm so incredibly happy for you Bucky "

You stood up on shaky legs that had soon spread to your whole body. You stood and stared at him as he watched you with confusion; concern.

"Hey doll," Bucky reached for you, "what's wrong? You can talk to me. We're best friends. Talk to me."

You wanted to tell him that you loved him, and you almost did. You almost bared your soul to Bucky in that moment, you almost fell back to the couch, weeping for him.

"I need to get a drink." You lied through your teeth. "To celebrate the occasion."

You flashed a weak smile and departed as Natasha and Sharon, Maria all returned. You departed as Natasha took her place back on Bucky's lap, her manicured nails matching the blue of his eyes.

You approached the bar and ordered a glass of rosé like you said you would. You turned your back to the bar and watched. Your heart shattered into a million shards, your stomach dropping into the deepest pits as Bucky sat Natasha down and then took a knee.

The moment the ring slid on her finger, and the happy tears were rolling down her cheeks, was the moment you were done. It was all over for you, finished without hope.

"Lady! You want your drink?" The bartender called for you after you had taken off your heels and started walking away from the bar.

You ignored him, you ignored the congratulations as you slipped out of the venue.

_Yeah, 'cause maybe then_

_You'd want me just as much_

_I got a girl crush_

You stepped out onto the street barefoot, the cold cement piercing the skin of your feet. You stood on the pavement, digging your phone out of your clutch to type a hasty email to Tony Stark, fat ugly tears streaming down your reddened cheeks.

You sent your resignation, and then threw your phone as far as you could. As it made contact with the contract and bounced, the sky opened up and started unleashing it's rage on the New York streets.

And you.

_I got a girl crush_

_Hate to admit it but_

_I got a heart rush_

_It ain't slowing down_


	2. Part 2

“Are you sure you want to do this? We can have someone else take over this case!”

The steady and deafening whirring of the engines would’ve been enough to drown out the sound of him speaking, your subordinate, but your ears were trained well enough to pick up the sound of his voice, even through the thunderous roar of the engine spinning beneath metal.

You could’ve ignored him, could’ve passed it all off as you not making out the highs and lows of his voice, the slight change in pitch as he pressed you again, and again, for a definite answer.

“Yes.” You were beyond certain. “I have to do this myself. I’ll be back as soon as possible.”

You reached down and grabbed the last of the tactical, reinforced cases sitting on the landing pad, your leather covered fingers wrapping tightly around the handle as you lift it and set it inside the prepped jet.

The moment it was set down, it was grabbed by a member of your team and secured behind the secure hold at the back of the armoured jet. The steel doors were closed and biometrically locked, the contents inside the case played a pivotal role in you completing this mission.

After it was secure, you grabbed the last piece that was laying on the landing pad, your luggage. Your leather clad fingers wrapped around the wooden handle and you lift it with ease only to hand it off to one of your agents already on board.

“Are you absolutely sure-" Your subordinate tried to ask you again, his hand resting on your elbow.

“Yes.” You spoke firmly, your resolve holding. “I am sure about this. I’m going back to do this mission. This is our last shot before it's all over. Pairing with them is just part of the job.”

With your final decision made, you turned toward the jet and the agents inside already waiting. You stood tall, kept your head high and then exhaled slowly.

This would be the first time you'd be stateside since you gave your resignation and left. This would be the first trip you would make back to New York, back to New York City and back into the presence of the Avengers.

“Ready when you are, boss.” The jet door was held open, the men and women inside were all at attention, waiting for you.

“L/N!” Your elite agent in training called your attention again. “Just be careful and keep your wits about you.”

You thanked him, gave him the briefest smile before you clambered up onto the jet. Once you were inside and everything was secure, you reached for the handle of the door, yanking it closed. After you secured the door, sealing it by lowering the handle, you took one of the available seats by your agents.

“Are you sure you’re ready for this?” This would be the last time they would press the issue, but they had to be sure.

“Let's take off. We're losing daylight.” That was your answer. That was enough.

♤♡♤♤

It felt all too familiar. Like a flashback in real-time, unfolding before your very eyes. The feeling of being back in the city was as overwhelming as the realization that the last time you were here, Natasha and Bucky were getting engaged and you were resigning.

That had been the last time you had seen anyone, or even kept contact with anyone. The night that Bucky had bared his heart and soul for Natasha while slipping a two thousand platinum ring on her finger while all your friends cheered them on.

What was the worst night of your life at the time, would ultimately be the start of something incredible and fulfilling. Having Bucky break your heart unknowingly had caused you to take an impossibly risky leap that became your purpose.

And now you were back. Now you would face Bucky and Natasha, married or still engaged, and you would have so much to show for yourself. You would walk in there with your head held high while commanding your own squadron of elite agents.

“I’m going to propose.” Bucky's phantom voice rang in your ears the closer the jet got to Stark Tower.

The four little words that had caused your whole world to implode and collapse, were now being repeated in your head. And the ache and pain you once felt from those words, that had resonated so deeply and caused so much pain, were now a dull ache.

You still felt the sting, but it was less impactful than it once had been.

“We're ready to touch down.” The pilot spoke from the cockpit, his voice coming through the earpiece in your left ear. “They’re already waiting for you.”

You sat up straighter in your seat, your leather glove clad hands gripping the straps across your shoulders and chest that kept you in safe. Your nails were digging into the smoke grey straps as the jet sought to touch down, the slight jarring from the impact it made on the room’s landing pad could've been seen as the reason for your grip.

Not the true reason, but it could’ve been an excuse.

“They don't know it's you.” The agent to your left tapped the screen of the tablet in his hands. “On account of you using your mother's maiden name instead of yours.”

Another purposeful tactic that paid off.

“Let's get this over with so we can start getting prepared for the gala night. There's a lot of preparation to be done before the big night.” You spoke while standing, grabbing a few cases as you made your way to the exit.

You stepped down with assistance from the agent who went ahead of you but the moment you set both feet on the landing pad on the roof, it was as if you were ripped back in time.

As you stood there waiting to go in and see the people you hadn't seen for so long, you were hit by a tidal wave of bittersweet memories that reminded you of not only your relationship with Bucky, but with the rest of the Avengers you were friends with.

Wanda, Natasha, Sam, Pepper and Tony, Peter Parker, Maria Hill, Sharon Carter.

Bucky.

Steve…

Every moment was flashing in the forefront of your mind in a barrage of memories that stirred up almost a homesickness. It stirred up a reaction in your that made your throat feel like it was tight and your eyes sting with tears.

“Ma'am?” The agent to your left asked. “Are you ready?”

“Yes.” You answered without hesitation. “Yes I am. Let's go in.”

You took that first step toward the bay doors that would take you inside, mentally preparing yourself for all sorts of reactions from the people you had walked away from all those years ago.

Through the bay doors and into the state of the art elevator that displayed the scenery that was outside of the tower, lowering down to the board room that you were once all too familiar with.

In front of you and your team was the display of the floors decreasing in number, with a faint beat playing in the background. It wasn’t common elevator music because that would’ve never suited Tony Stark.

Instead it was the beat and melody to an AC/DC song that you had heard all too many times being blasted from Tony's labs. The tune was somehow heard even a few floors belong or above, though you thought that was done on purpose to annoy the ‘old men' Steve and Bucky.

“I remember it all.” You spoke out loud but to no one in particular.

It was true, it was your truth. The whole building held little specific memories and different meanings to you, and that could be a concern.

However you had a handle on it. You had to.

“Welcome home.” You muttered to yourself as the doors opened and you were greet with the faces of your acquaintances and friends, your once love and the man who employed you.

Wanda, Natasha, Bucky, Steve, Tony and Pepper, Sam, Peter Parker. Everyone was here, and everyone was staring at you.

Only…Steve was the first to say your name. “Y/N?”


	3. Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sensitive topics mildly discussed like human trafficking and abuse, but if you’re not comfortable reading that please don’t.
> 
> Also what i wrote about Bulgaria is a work of fiction and does not relate to the country or their politics. Please don’t @ me with hate, I mean no offense whatsoever.

_“You don’t have to leave!” It was almost cinematic, the way he was standing in the downpour. “I know how you feel about Bucky, but that doesn’t mean you abandon everyone who has ever cared about you!”_

_It would later be called the worst storm to hit the city in a decade, fitting for the night that you left, the night that you walked away._

_Walked away from Bucky._

_Walked away from Natasha._

_Wanda. Tony. Pepper. Peter._

_Steve._

_“I can’t stay here, Steve.” Your voice was quiet, soft. “I can’t stay here and pretend like my heart isn’t completely shattered every moment that they’re together. I can’t smile and be happy for them, congratulate them on their engagement when I feel like I’m dying inside.”_

_He took a step toward you, his hand almost stretching out toward you. He wanted to reach for you, he wanted to pull you back; make you stay._

_“I know that Bucky loves Natasha, but he also loves you.” Steve’s voice cracked with underlying emotions rising to the surface._

_“He doesn’t love me the way I wish he did. And I can’t stay. I can’t-“ Your voice shook and cracked, wavered as your tears became indistinguishable with the relentless rain._

_“I understand.” Steve had finally closed some of the distance between you two. “I understand more than you think I would. But please…”_

_“I have to go. I have to break the bond. I have to put an ocean between us. I have to, Steve. If I don't…it’ll be too much.” You allowed him to come closer, allowed him to finally reach for you._

_“I’ve been in love with Bucky since I met him. He chose someone else. This is me accepting that. This is me trying to heal.” You wiped the rain and tears from your cheeks, dropping your hands to your sides, inching away from Steve._

_“I understand.” Though Steve said he understood, you doubted him._

_“You need to promise me,” Steve placed his large hands on your cheeks, thumbs brushing rain from your skin, “you’ll be safe. Promise me you’ll keep in contact.”_

_You swallowed thickly and placed your hands on top of his. You squeezed his hands once, then pulled them off your cheeks._

_“Goodbye Steve.” You whispered with anguish._

_You had dropped his hands and turned away from him. You hadn’t dared to look over your shoulder, hadn’t dared to spare him a second look._

_This had to be a clean break, no walking back from this._

♤♡♤♡

“Adyelya Andonov is a Bulgarian national who sought refuge in England with her mother and father, escaping from Bulgaria from an influential family who sought to have Adyelya’s father make powerful weapons to help overthrow the government.” Your eyes should’ve been focused on the picture of the young woman on screen, instead they were focused on Natasha as she sat next to Bucky.

You were focused on the shining diamond engagement ring that was sitting on her left ring finger, and the placement of that hand on Bucky’s arm. You watched the hand with the ring finger move in comforting circles as she stroked his skin and leaned into his side.

“Adyelya Andonov will be a victim of human trafficking and will be sold to the highest bidder at an upcoming charity masquerade event that is a front for an illegal arms deal. At this event, will be the buyer of the weapons and the man who took Adyelya. The men who want to buy her have every intention of turning her into a punching bag for their sick pleasures.” You turned your eyes away from the two of them to focus on the group of avengers sitting before you.

“If this guy wants Adeylya’s father to make weapons, why is he buying enough weapons to militarize a small army?” Peter was the first to ask a question, even going as far as to raise his hand like he was in class.

“Adeylya’s father has been reluctant, obviously. Of course he doesn’t know what has happened to his daughter, he believes she is still alive. Which she is. But once this charity event is over, Adeylya will be sold to the highest bidder as nothing more than an object to be beaten and sexually assaulted. She will be stripped of every basic human right, and her father will have nothing to lose. He will have nothing to hope for.” Passion and anger rose to your chest, burning hatred for the types of men who did this to innocent women.

“And what does this have to do with us? It looks like your team has a pretty good handle on this.” Clint motioned toward the heavily trained and tactically dressed agents working under you.

“This guy is the Tony Stark of Bulgaria. He is ingenious and these weapons can be made into a size small enough that they could fit into someone’s pocket without being traced. I mean he is really-” You glanced over at Steve, and then Bucky.

“You need us to get you into the event. You won’t get in otherwise. We’ll be working tirelessly to find out where they are keeping Adeylya, while one of our agents is in the back room bidding for her freedom.” Your hope was tags they would agree.

This was supposed to be a conjoined effort between MI5 and SHIELD. This was supposed to be a cohesive partnership.

“She is 22.” You clicked the little mouse in your hand, another picture of her coming on screen. “She is 22 and she is scared. This is her last chance at freedom, and I won’t let this moment slip by. We are going to get her back to her family and we are going to get her back healthy.”

“If we can get both,” Steve leaned forward and piped up, his elbows resting on his knees, “we can stop the weapons deal, save Adyelya and prevent an avalanche of events from happening in Bulgaria.”

“Which can and will snowball.” You were grateful for his support, grateful for his agreeing with you.

Despite leaving him so horribly.

“When is this all happening? What is the plan?” Natasha’s questions had stolen your attention.

Her hand was still on Bucky’s arm, the ring on her finger still shining brilliantly. You were thrown back unwillingly, to the night that Bucky proposed.

You could still feel the rain beating through your clothes and soaking into your skin. You could still feel the bitter cold that seemed to follow you for months, the ache in your bones and the stabbing in your heart.

You could still remember Steve’s hands on your cheeks as he begged you not to go.

A snowball…

An avalanche of events.

“I will be attending the charity event until a false pretense, with a date,” you licked your bottom lip, “and infiltrate the party. I will have two other agents in the crowds, and one behind the scenes to make the bid. The arms deals will happen directly after the bid is compete, and Adyelya is shuffled away.”

And that was the opportune moment. When the buyer was celebrating his newfound revenue of cash with an impossibly strong bottle of liquor, the takedown could occur.

Adyelya would be out of the way, and you would hopefully have an Avenger with you.

“We’ve already agreed to help you.” Tony twirled an inky black pen in his hands, looking both intrigued and impressed. “Barnes is engaged, Clint is married, Peter is too young…”

“I will.” Steve spoke up again, without missing a beat. “I’ll go with you.”

Your heart, which had once beat for Bucky, was pieced back to gather, held by glue and duck tape, healed but not quite the same. You had once been so consumed by your want and need for Bucky Barnes, blinded by the impossible love.

It would never work out, you were forced to face that reality. Bucky loved you, but not as you wished.

Maybe, and this was probably just your wishful thinking, but maybe there was someone else there this whole time.

Maybe it was time to let yourself feel again.

“I’ll go with Y/N.”


End file.
